FINDING THE LIGHT HAS MOVED

  Finding The Light has moved. Please continue the journey into mental illness with me at:
www.aimeeeddygross.wordpress.com  
 If you are a follower at this site you will find it even easier to become a follower at my new site. Please check out my new site, become a follower, leave a comment and find strength, encouragement, knowledge and much more in my blog posts. Keep this site for reference to my older blog post on Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, and Self-injury.

 

NO LAUGHING MATTER

Mental illness is a very serious illness, and if untreated, it can lead to death. It's not a game or a joke. It cannot be fixed by thinking happy thoughts or watching a funny movie. It cannot be cured, but recovery is possible only with intense therapy and medication. People often make jokes about mental illness and even television shows turn a serious illness into something to laugh at. The truth is it's no laughing matter.

When I returned to work after being hospitalized, a fellow employee said to me with a big smile, “I heard you were in the loony bin.” I told him I was in the hospital, and it wasn't funny. When you end up in the hospital it's very serious.

He continued to laugh. “So are you crazy? Do you have a few screws loose upstairs?”

I wanted to smack him and yell, “This isn't a joke. I have a serious illness.” Instead I just walked away.

A mental health hospital is not a looney bin. It is a place where a person with mental illness can get the treatment he or she needs. It is also a place to keep a person safe from harming him or herself.

One day at work, I was taking my anxiety medication and another employee teased, “Are you taking your happy pill? Now you can be happy.”

I replied, “That isn't funny. It's an important pill that keeps me from getting sick. Without it, you'd have to clean up after me.”

Antidepressants and anxiety pills balance the chemicals in a person's brain and make his or her illness manageable. It's not a happy pill that magically takes away your sadness. It doesn't erase internal pain. It takes a mixture of medication and therapy to help a person find the light.

How many times have you heard someone say, “I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) because I like things neat?”

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is very serious and reaches beyond liking things neat. My husband and I have a friend who has OCD, and he uncontrollably obsesses over small and big things to the point that it drives him deeper and deeper into his dark hole.

There are movies and television shows that turn mental illness into a joke. I watched one movie that had a character who went from one personality to the next. They had the character do hilarious things when he switched personalities. They made Multiple Personality Disorder into a joke, when it is a serious illness.

The truth is mental illness is no laughing matter. It's a real sickness and should not be joked about. It's our job as those who deal with mental illness to tell the world our illness is not a joke. It is real and as serious as cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, and many other diseases.

Do you hear people make jokes about cancer? I've never heard a joke about a person with cancer or any other illness, but yet we laugh about mental illness. No illness is a laughing matter especially mental illness.

When someone jests about mental illness, I tell them it's not funny. I inform them how serious this illness is. Standing up to prejudice and teaching the world around me about mental illness helps the light shine brighter on me and the world.

I will be going to a writers conference this week so there will not be a blog post next week.

DOES A SELF-INJURER LIKE PAIN?

A common misunderstanding is that self-injurers like pain. Yes, self-injures do inflict physical wounds upon themselves, but it is not because they enjoy pain. Remember, self-injury is like a high. Cutting stimulates pain killing hormones (endorphins), making the self-harmer feel like she or he is on a high. The person's emotions rise to a high, and for a brief moment he or she is free from the inner pain within him or her. The injurer becomes numb to all pain, physical and emotional.

When my ex-boyfriend packed my bags and told me I had to move out, I had a breakdown and to relieve my inner pain, I put my hand through a window. My hand had a big gash in it, but it did not hurt. The endorphins kicked in and I was free from all my pain. When my high wore off, I began to cry uncontrollably as my wound began to throb. I looked at my hand and suddenly realized what I had done and felt angry at myself for causing myself pain.

I was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. The doctor announced I needed stitches. Once he found out my history of harming myself, he asked me, “Do I need to numb you while I stitch you up or do you enjoy pain?” I was angry. How could he think I enjoyed pain? Didn't he know how upset at myself I was for doing that to myself? Didn't he know what self-injury was? How could he think anyone would want to be stitched up without being numbed?

I choked, “I don't like pain. I need to be numbed.”

He numbed my hand and placed seven stitches along the side of my palm. I left feeling frustrated and angry. I thought that a doctor would at least know about self-injury and how to handle a patient who does it.

I never injured to feel physical pain. I hurt myself to feel relief from my inner pain. I injured to fly above my dark, miserable, and hopeless self to a place where I felt free or high. The high was short-lived and when I returned to my depressed mood, the pain screamed at me. It told me how stupid I was and it internally punished me. I injured for that rise in emotions, for those moments of relief from all pain. 

I injured because I didn't know any other way of relieving my inner agony. I am actually a wimp when it comes to pain. When I got a splinter in my foot and had to go to the emergency room to have it cut out, I cried like a baby and asked them to end the pain.

In therapy I learned healthy ways to relieve my inner pain. My therapist taught me coping techniques like journaling, sharing feelings with a friend, taking medication as prescribed, changing my thought patterns, keeping up with therapy appointments, finding hobbies to keep me busy and so on.

I learned that the brief high isn't worth the physical and emotional pain I felt afterwards. I found the new coping techniques my therapist taught me more effective. I can now handle my inner pain in healthy ways, and because of my new coping methods, I stand tall within the light.

You can find out more about endorphins and self-injury at the National Alliance on mental illness or Nami link on the side of my blog page.

A SUICIDE ATTEMPT OR NOT?

There is a lot of confusion on what self-injury is and why a person injures. Some people mistake self-injury for a suicide attempt. It's hard to understand why anyone would go to the extent of harming themselves unless the person wants to die, but harming himself has nothing to do with suicide. Self-injury is a coping technique for overwhelming emotions or a way to just feel when you become numb inside. It's not to say that the person hasn't struggled with thoughts of taking his or her life, but those thoughts having noting to do with why the person is harming him or herself.

At a former job, the manager found out I was deeply depressed and I was hurting myself on purpose. She became convinced I was attempting to take my life. She called crisis and they showed up to my department. Not only was I embarrassed that crisis came to my work place and all my fellow employees knew they were there for me, but I had to sit in a conference room and explain to them that I was not attempting to take my life.

The crisis worker questioned me for a half hour. She asked me why I wanted to die. She asked if I was to go home would I try to take my life again. She wanted to know if I needed to be hospitalized. I tried to explain to her I didn't want to die and I was working with a therapist to stop my injuring. I told her the injuring relieved my inner pain and I was not suicidal. After a while she let me go and gave me their number in case I became suicidal or needed to talk.

I can't say I never thought of taking my life while I was sick, but when I injured, my goal was to relieve the immense inner pain that burned within my body. When I thought about suicide, I was in a different frame of mind. I wanted to save my family from pain I was causing them and I wanted to end my own pain forever. When I hurt myself, I just wanted to relieve my inner agony for just a moment or longer, not forever.

I even left my former boss a pamphlet on self-injury, but she continued to think self-injury was an attempt at suicide. Because of people like her, I worked hard to hide my self-harming.

It's important for us who injure or who have recovered from self-injury to educate others about self-injury. The more we write about it and talk about it, the more educated our loved ones and others around us will become. I write this blog post to reach out to the world and tell them about mental illness and self-injury. It's important that teachers, managers, crisis workers, doctors, parents, friends and so on one are educated about how to handle self-injury and what self-injury is.

Step up with me and educate others about self-injury. I believe I struggled with mental illness and self-injury to share my story with all of you. Writing about it is also therapy and keeps me within the light.

THE AFTER AFFECT OF SELF-INJURY

Self-injury can, in a sense, give you a high like drugs. When you hurt yourself you're suddenly free from your self-hate, deep sadness, inner anguish and many other emotions that fill you, or suddenly you're no longer numb. You finally have control. It's like you're on a high. The world around you no longer matters. The question is, once you're finished and the high is gone, how do you feel? Do you feel happy or guilty?

When I self-injured, I felt like I was suddenly free from my depressed and emotionally overwhelmed body. I felt like I was floating above myself looking down at the depressed mess and feeling free. I was free from my self-loathing, anger, sadness and anguish. Nothing could touch me. Then suddenly I fell back down into my body. I looked at what I did to myself and all those feelings rushed back into my body along with more emotions.

I'd look at my cut and feel guilty, ashamed and angry at myself. What did I do? Why am I so stupid? What am I going to tell my friends and family? I put a bandage on my wound, but it wasn't enough to take away what I did to myself. How am I going to hide my injuries? What if someone sees them? What excuses will I give them?

The feelings I felt afterwards weren't enough for me to stop self-injuring. I needed that high. It was the only way I knew how to cope with my mental illness. I kept hurting and falling back down into my world of pain. I was addicted to injuring and I ignored how it made me feel afterwards.

Often after I harmed myself, I would lie on my bedroom floor, curled up in a ball, and cry. I cried alone while my emotions ripped at my insides. I'd mentally punish myself for what I did and then a day or more later do it all over again.

In therapy my therapist would have me write out how I felt after each injury. Then I would write down the positive and negatives of self-injury. 

 

POSITIVE OF SELF-injury	NEGATIVE OF SELF-INJURY
I was in control Relief from inner pain	Guilt Shame Angry at myself Felt alone I was hiding wounds I lied to friends and family Depressed Self-hate

After doing this exercise, I realized that injuring was not worth it. I felt worse afterwards than before. The negatives outweighed the positives. I finally saw the flaws in my coping technique. My therapist taught me new and healthier coping techniques. With healthier ways of dealing with my mental illness, my emotions became easier to handle. I found by not hurting myself, I felt stronger and free from shame and guilt.

I began to express my emotions in journals and I would write out my feelings for my therapist. She would use my writings to help me find ways to handle what I was going through. With my journals and new coping techniques, I stand tall within the light of recovery.

A SILENT CRY

Self-injury is a serious illness and is not done for attention. Those who injure do it as a means to cope with their mental illness. It is also a silent cry for help, a cry no one hears and many do not know about, a cry most injurers keep a secret by hiding their wounds. Others injure in places that are noticeable or show their injuries to others. Even if they are not hiding their wounds, they are crying for help.

When I first revealed to my mom I was hurting myself she immediately found me a therapist. When I told my therapist I was harming myself on purpose, she accused me of doing it for attention and to hurt others. I tried to tell her that I was hurting badly inside and I didn't know how to relieve my pain. She wouldn't listen to me. I left each therapy session in tears.

Many injure as a coping technique and that is why I injured. I found it the only way I could deal with the overpowering emotions that filled me. My emotions hurt so bad I had to release them, and the only way I could think of letting them out was to hurt myself. A wound on my outer body felt better than what was happening within me. Some people harm themselves, because they feel numb and need to injure just to feel. I did it because I felt too much. Harming myself gave me an escape from my internal pain.

When I went to a friend's house for dinner, they were talking about people cutting themselves for attention. They said a girl we knew and some children they went to school with were harming themselves just for attention. I told them those who inflict wounds on themselves are crying for help. They are sick and need professional help. People who are emotionally well do not intentionally cause injury to themselves.

I hid my self-injury because I feared judgment like this. I wanted help, but I was afraid to ask for it. Deep inside I was crying, but no one could hear my cries, buried deep inside me. When someone did see my injuries, I made excuses. I wanted to yell out, “I need help,” but couldn't. Instead I hid my tears, creating a deeper ache within my soul. I cried silently with each wound I inflicted on my body.

If you know of someone hurting himself or herself, take it seriously. Talk to your friend, and tell someone like a parent, teacher or boss. Encourage your friend to get help and let your friend know you are at his or her side to support or to listen. Remember, a self-inflicted wound is not for attention; it is a cry for help. Listen to the cry and find a way to help your friend.

My mom and friends heard my cry. With their encouragement and therapy, I worked hard to put an end to my self-injuring. With determination, I stopped hurting myself and I haven't injured in fourteen years. Since I have found new ways to cope with my inner pain, the light shines bright.

STANDING TALL

Even during recovery bad things happen. What's important is how you handle the problems that come about. How do you handle the event that happened? Do you stand tall or fall apart? Do you revert to your old ways or fight to stay well? It's all up to you. Life is unpredictable and it throws a lot of stuff in your way to challenge you and your ability to fight your illness.

Recently the manager of the department where I work called me in to her office. I felt my heart drop. I knew I was in trouble. What did I mess up on? How will I be punished? I walked to the office with my heart pounding in my ears like a bad song stuck in my head.

I sat in my manager's office while she told me about my mistake and announced my punishment. A year and a half ago, I made a similar mistake, and when the manager told me, I fell apart. I started crying and couldn't stop, but this time I stayed strong. A tear did not part from my eyes. I stood tall and said, “Well, at least I have my birthday off.”

After being told I had time off without pay, I went back to work. I talked to my customers and put a smile on. A year and a half ago, I barely made it through the rest of my shift. I fought tears and I could hardly speak.

I chose to stand tall and face my mistake and punishment with strength. This time I was not going to let my error rip me apart. I was sad and mad, but I wasn't going to let my illness take over my emotions. I can't say my illness didn't threaten me, but I decided to fight.

During my time off, sadness filled me, and my thoughts began to swim in my head: I should have never made such a mistake. I'm a bad cashier. We won't be able to pay our bills. We will be so far in debt we will not be able to get out. I decided I wasn't going to let those thoughts take over. I reminded myself I was only human and humans make mistakes. We'll find ways to pay our bills. I got a vacation from work. I could sleep in and stay up late.

I decided to keep myself busy while I was off so I didn't have time to think. I put laundry away, I took our dog for a walk, I made plans to spend the night at my parents and go yard saleing. I also did some writing. I turned to my friends for support. They gave me encouragement and comfort.

Your illness will always threaten to take over during rough times while in recovery, but it's up to you to stand up to it. You may never be cured of your mental illness, but as long as you continue to fight you can keep yourself in the light.

I could have fallen apart over my mistake, but instead I stood tall. I refused to fall back into my old ways. I stood up and fought my sadness. I made the best of my time off. Because I didn't let my mistake knock me down, I am still within the light.